Metal Detecting Forum Jokes Re-Visited

2nd November 2015 — 18 Comments

The last time I visited this subject it was rather traumatic. Would you believe that I lost subscribers and was ostracised on a couple of forums for my ‘audacity’ in speaking out? But, it wasn’t all like that. A forum named one of their boards John Winter’s Joke Section in my honour. Good one. I liked their perverse sense of humour.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I’ve just been reading that laughter is the best medicine. Okay. Okay. I was aware of that well-known cliche, but recent research shows that it’s true. Blood flow increases by about 20%, and the effect lasts for 30 to 40 minutes. Now that’s an interesting fact! If I read a good forum joke before retiring – in addition to the blue pill – will I become a force to be reckoned with? Take little notice … I’m simply cogitating!

The Right Kind of Joke

I don’t know about you but I try to avoid filthy and smutty jokes on detecting forums that have nothing to do with the hobby. I just don’t see the point of cutting and pasting some banal and often unfunny joke from the Net. What’s the point? However, anything remotely connected with the hobby is welcomed.

Sometimes good jokes are unintentional – like the guy who posted his latest find, as a George III Farting. The very next comment was, How do you know what he was doing? Thanks to Geoff Dean for reminding me about this classic! I also like the unintentional mis-spelling of words … and predictive text errors can also be funny!

I must tell the uninitiated that John Winter, old fart and international man of mystery, sometimes plays Devil’s Advocate just to get a response. I DO have a sense of humour! The sort of jokes I’m talking about are okay for those who wish to read smut on a hobby forum. I don’t! 

Some enlightened sites hide them away and you have to opt in to see the jokes. Good. A word of encouragement to a newbie posting his first hammered coin (for example) is worth more than ten jokes having no connection with the hobby. I don’t mind that.

Don’t misunderstand – I enjoy a good, relevant joke. Recently I made my protest on a detecting forum, but I don’t think anyone noticed. Now, why should I do that? My usual posts on detecting issues are mostly ignored and receive very few comments. Silly jokes on the other hand get a lot of attention. My ‘protest’ was to choose a short hoary example of a joke that had a tenuous relation to detecting and see if anyone thought it funny. It was a great success with ‘comments’ running into double figures. I have made a mental note to post more jokes on forums, especially if they can be linked to the hobby in some wayThis was the punny joke I copied and posted from the Net: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt … archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher …


Pull the Other One!

I much prefer the short funny story that has some attachment to metal detecting … like this one by Harry James and published in a hobby magazine almost 20 years ago:

Whilst swinging the coil some time ago I was approached by an old chap out with his dog. Soon we were in deep conversation into the delights of metal detecting. He mentioned he he still carried deeply embedded in his right leg a bullet, a souvenir from the Second World War.


At his request I ran my machine along his leg but failed to discover the target. Then, as an afterthought, I asked him to hold up his left leg … as you can guess, bingo! He departed shaking his head and realising he’d been limping on the wrong leg and recounting the same tale for half a century!

When the cartoon was first reproduced, ‘Warwickshire’ commented:

“Nice to see one of Harry James’s doodles John. Harry was a founding member of our club Coventry Heritage Detecter Society, but retired from the hobby some years ago now. I still see him on occasion driving around the city. His drawings were all based on actual characters in our club.

The above example features Harry on the left and I believe a chap called Gordon Collett on the right, an RAF veteran. They have been made honorary life members. The club has many drawings by Harry.”


The following joke, blatantly pinched from the Net and slightly edited, was voted the best joke for 2011 on an Australian MD’ing form. Thanks Smurf … it’s a cracker, if a little risqué!

For his 14th birthday, Gordon asked for a Minelab E-Trac detector. ‘I can handle the weight’, he boasted. His father said, ‘Son we’d give you one but the mortgage on this house is £325,000 and your mother has just lost her job. ‘There’s no way we can afford it.’

The next day the father saw Gordon heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he asked, ‘Son, where are you going?’ Gordon replied; ‘I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum that you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a £325,000 mortgage and no bloody detector!’

But the one below is my favourite – you may have seen it in another place this month. 🙂


LaughterSome of you may not know this but I once manned a helpline for distressed detectorists. I remember one caller who contacted me late one night with a very distressing tale. “Hi, I need your advice on a serious problem. I live in Pity Me, County Durham, and have suspected for some time now that my wife Tracy has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot, and let’s me go detecting whenever I want. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the garage behind the car. When she came home, she got out of someone’s motor, adjusted her dress and proceeded to walk nonchalantly to the front door. It was at that moment, crouched behind the car and in amongst my detectors, that I noticed a hairline crack in the Deus coil. Is that something I can weld with some kind of Epoxy resin, or do I need to replace the whole unit? Please advise.”


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18 responses to Metal Detecting Forum Jokes Re-Visited

  1. Well done on a fantastic post John.

    I chuckled quite a bit.



  2. according to recent research 15% of all detectorists are taking anti depressants…

    …which means the other 85% must be finding something.

  3. I like the simple one of some figures holding their hands in the air.

    What do we want
    Better memories
    When do we want it
    Want what?

  4. Very interesting John and I hold the same beliefs possibly it is something to do with our ages or could it because of our upbringing whereby we would learn respect for others.

  5. I like most kinds of jokes including crude jokes when told in the right place and company but I don’t do belly laughs. I just think if its witty and funny why not?.
    Lots of people would not care for Bernard Manning or Roy Chubby Brown but these guys know how to deliver jokes or did when they were around.
    The problem with jokes on the internet is they reach full circle and end up back where they started. If somebody comes across a good joke enjoy text it on but don’t try verbally tell it to somebody else.


  6. thanks John, but you need some new jokes I have heard them, lol, nice posting still enjoyed it.


  7. How many metal detectorists does it take to change a lightbulb? The same as the number of archaeologists it seems…

    Oh I get it….. *Pharoh* Rocher! OFL!
    Thanks again John! More! More!

  8. 2 Lions were walking across a field were a rally was taking place,one Lion says to the Other ,well this rally is crap,why said the other Lion,well there,s not many people turned up

  9. Joseph from Oregon 2nd November 2015 at 2:11 PM

    Thank you John!
    Old forgotten forum jokes are always good to read again.

  10. Brilliant just what i like totally ambushed

  11. The Archaeology Faculty at one of the Oxbridge universities was selecting a new Heritage Grants Director. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and an archaeologist.

    Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

    The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

    The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

    Finally the archaeologist stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

  12. that was very refreshing john /// laughed a lot as well

  13. Good fun, John .. Gave me a good chuckle over my AM coffee! Thanks!

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