Next Week’s Detecting News – Today!

1st September 2019 — 15 Comments

There’s nothing sacred in this world. Every week in the The Mail on Sunday, I look at a short column by Steve Bennett. I don’t buy the ‘newspaper’, but read in the coffee shop if The Star isn’t available. Steve takes an irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days. I’ve snitched his idea. If you are one of those ‘snowflakes’ bereft of a sense of humour, don’t read this. Have a drink, kick the dog, shout at your loved one . . . or organise you next detecting foray.

MONDAY

After breakdancing is proposed as an Olympic sport, officials announce that two more competitive events will be added to the next Games to appeal to metal detectorists. They are who can shout the loudest about why their machine is the best, and who can toss a ring pull furthest along a nearby hedge (plastic).

TUESDAY

The metal detectorists who found hundreds of coins buried beneath a field in Somerset are ordered to put them back by the Chancellor of the Exchequer ( whoever that is now ). He is hoping that they will grow into magic money tree, so helping the economy and especially the poor farmers. Didn’t his Ma ever tell him that money doesn’t grow on trees?

WEDNESDAY

Stonehenge © JW

The suggestion that Stonehenge is a kind of neolithic IKEA is given further credence with the discovery by ace detectorist Minelab Mal of a stone Allen key ( eyes only ), random screws, and a papyrus instruction booklet for a Equinox 800.

THURSDAY

The renowned Grin Again Dental Centre has just contacted Lisa Grace on getting her smile back and offered her a substantial sum as the poster girl in all future advertising campaigns.

And after legalising cannabis, the Canadian government announces plans to change its flag from the maple leaf to a marijuana leaf. Members of the CMDF are aghast!

FRIDAY

The owner, chief executive and reproductive expert Brain Notcross has take out a High Court writ suing another detecting forum for plagiarism. He reckons that his forum was  – and still is – the one to be regarded as PREMIUM. The case starts at the Old Bailey today and is expected to last three weeks. An early witness will be Peter Twain.

The Canadian government becomes lethargic, loses interest in its plans to change its flag, and goes over to the all-night garage to stock up on Timmy’s coffee. The rumour is that Tim is to merge with Wendy.

SATURDAY

The northern detectorist whose hand was saved when surgeons sewed it to his groin now says that his recently purchased camouflage trousers now fit him like a glove. He hopes to be one of the ‘hand-on celebrities’ at Detectival later in the year.

After retailer Regton dispensed with the services of Steven ( The Knight ) Auker he has been asked by the producers of the hit Channel 4 show Great British Bake Off if he’d like to to be a new presenter. Steve’s friend wondered if a change of hat would affect his overall performance and likability, but Mr. Auker quipped , “No worries. With my experience it’ll be a piece of cake.”

SUNDAY

It will be announced today that, because of falling sales, the magazines Treasure Hunting and The Searcher will amalgamate and be published bi-monthly. The cover price will be more in line with other magazines and cost about £6.00 per issue. FaceAche has being aired as one of the reasons relating to the demise of print media in general and detecting magazines in particular.

 

John

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15 responses to Next Week’s Detecting News – Today!

  1. I am guessing that the Sunday story will get a few comments. More work for Harry.

  2. “The Canadian government becomes lethargic, loses interest in its plans to change its flag, and goes over to the all-night garage to stock up on Timmy’s coffee. The rumour is that Tim is to merge with Wendy.”

    Ah John; if only our Canuck government were that proactive.. a worse bunch of sloths there has never been..

    Thank you for the chuckles my friend

    Micheal

  3. A bit of humourous prohecying John! The Saturday prophecy must be to do with a “Cock of the North!”

  4. This thread rounded my day off just nicely. Thanks. John. your old M8 Jerry.

  5. A great read John

  6. John from Ontario (AKA Geobound) 1st September 2019 at 11:57 PM

    HAHAHAHA……………I love this idea, I can’t wait until next weekends broadcast!

    As for the Canadian Flag changing to a marijuana leaf……..they may as well, at least this way the smoke the government keeps blowing up are butts will be more enjoyable!

  7. loved the Saturday comment
    like you I only read the Times when the Sun isn’t available

  8. I have heard from a good source the the man in the hat as been given a name change ? The Man as been changed to a rhyming slang of hat ?

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